"The Postman Sometimes Rings Twice or Not" (Children's Poem)

Dedicated to

ELVIS HEROD

without whom

I would have

never

etc

e

t

c

and greetings from Imaginary Jamaica

*

"The Postman Sometimes Rings Twice or Not" 

by Ergo Phizmiz

Knock knock.

Who's that at the door?

Peep through the letterbox - dark blue shorts,
                                                    and little hairy knees.

                                                    It's the Postman!

                                                    If you please, what has the Postman brought for me?

For Mum - some bills,
For Dad - some bills,
For both - some brightly coloured junk
                                             that no-one wants

                                             in short a dire lack of thrills.

For Uncle Bob a calendar of
                                                   aeroplanes and
                                                   other things that
                                                   flew 
                                                   in World War Two.

For baby sister?
                            Nothing.
                                  Postman must have missed her.

And finally, to little me,
what could these curious parcels be?
Fastened tight with tape and string,
postmarked Canberra, Peking,
Las Vegas, London, Hollywood,
and other places just as good.

Now take the scissors, cut away the string
unpeel the sellotape
(and such delicious sound it makes)
then empty all the polystyrene rocks
and see what lurks in each and every box.

Now is the time, so come and see, what has the Postman brought for me?

An ancient clock that measures stars,
some baby mice in honey jars,
a typewriter, a ship and crew,
entire contents of a zoo
including: Marmosets, Barn Owl,
Muscovy, and Guinea-Fowl,
Elephants, Giraffes, and Mice,
and all the Birds of Paradise,
a blackboard, and a robot who
will clean your room from 9 till 2,
a brand new pair of stylish shoes,
one of those dolls that wees and poos,
a Persian Cat, a brand new Gran
that isn't grumpy, then a can
of fruity fizzy sugar drink,
a new schoolbag that isn't pink.

Hold your horses there, you say
the Postman brought all this, but where
in his little trolley-red
did he put all that you said?

That is ....


          An ancient clock that measures stars,
          some baby mice in honey jars,
          a typewriter, a ship and crew,
          entire contents of a zoo
          including: Marmosets, Barn Owl,
          Muscovy, and Guinea-Fowl,
          Elephants, Giraffes, and Mice,
          and all the Birds of Paradise,
          a blackboard, and a robot who
          will clean your room from 9 till 2,
          a brand new pair of stylish shoes,
          one of those dolls that wees and poos,
          a Persian Cat, a brand new Gran
          that isn't grumpy, then a can
          of fruity fizzy sugar drink,
          a new schoolbag that isn't pink.

Surely an enormous drag,
all this inside a Postman's bag?

                    I sat and thought, and shook my head,
                    (I may have turned a little red).

                              Strange things happen, yes it's true,
                              (though maybe more to me than you).

If you question how the Postman fit these items in his baggy,
then permit me to reveal to you the cause.
If your Postman's bag defies the laws of physics then it's obvious
the Postman really must be Santa Claus.